EMBRACING MY VOICE + POWER IN 2024
Since 2012, I have allowed myself to be muted for the sake of peace and what i perceived to support the safety of the future for my son and I.
Its where the sparkle began to die. I know it. I can remember the moment and it still haunts me.
I knew no one was going to save us or support us.
I went into quiet mode or mute. Once known to be bold and outspoken, I shut the fuck up.
I shut the fuck up in fear that my words would be used against me. I acted right, in fear any of my actions and choices would be used against me in family law court and as I was seeking employment within the field of Criminal Justice.
I told myself I was not going to give anyone any reason to use against me in court or during the a hiring process. I only accepted shifts serving during lunch hours even though the customers were more rude and far from generous (oh, the many stories to share life as a restaurant server is insane). I asked Marvin to delete videos of my birthday parties and any adventures that would look irresponsible in the slightest, I deactivated my first blog I built on wordpress, I remember even avoiding speeding or going into a carpool lane during heavy bay area traffic, because I wanted to be seen as responsible, reliable, honest, and law abiding. I slowed down with accepting modeling opportunities, I stopped sharing, I started hiding.
After 12 years, its safe to say that majority of that did matter. However, how rigid and focused I became is misaligned with my core essence. Even when i hit my bench marks of what success meant to me, i didn’t appreciate it because i would tell myself “what took you so long to get here? This is overdue and nothing to celebrate. Keep going.”
I have been so un happy and bitter. I killed the fun, curious, and playful parts of me.
In these years, I lived in fear and shame. I let the decisions of others make me feel and believe I was a bad person for not being chosen in some way(s).
Now that I look back, why would they?
My energy probably came off weird or confusing.
I was trying to be what they wanted me to be all while keeping my walls up to keep us all safe.
Present day, the idea of forcing myself to fit in places I am not seen or recognized is just crazy to me.
Ugh! I wish i could just hug and squeeze the younger versions of myself.
2024 in numerology is the year of karma…and I have been seeing it getting served up on gold platters to those who did wrong to me in some way. I will save this for another post though.
The topic of Karma is a big one to unpack.
2024 is also the year of the Dragon in the Chinese Zodiac. Its my year. It occurs every 12 years and I see each return to be highly transformative. At 11-12 years old I learned I was on my own in this world I was gonna need to be my own parent, 23-24 years old I decided to play by the rules to the extreme to obtain what my son and I needed to thrive, and now at 35 (soon to be 36) I am choosing to embrace and approach these next 12 years unapologetically.
Being around this long I carry with me quite a bit of varying experiences and knowing.
I learned the rules and now I am ready to play the game.
side note: I am competitive as fuck, so this game and experience of life is about to get a lot more interesting and fun!
2012- 2013 when I my life got rocked and I was ready for a makeover.
* This was before toners, Olaplex, and blue/purple shampoos were a thing. Hair technology and offerings have come such a long way, lol.
Coincidently as I feel something blooming from me in such a beautiful and powerful way, i chose to color my hair red recently!
hmm… I think i am noticing a pattern every 11-12 years from me! lol.
